When I was in middle school, I'd spend hours sitting in a dark closet in my bedroom on the phone with my cousin. We'd gab about our crushes, using their secret code names. We'd share funny stories about our families. She was someone who I could rely on to make me laugh.
Last year, my cousin was that person for me again. But this time, I was sitting in a chemo chair with an IV in my arm and a freezing cold cap strapped to my head to preserve my hair follicles. My diagnosis of breast cancer hit me like a rogue wave. But my cousin was there with me, holding my hand and making me smile.
Getting cancer at 34 was shocking and life-changing. But through it all, I never felt alone. The people in my life were there for me in so many different ways. Their steady support kept me going.
It can be hard to know how to show up for someone with cancer. But from my own experience, and from talking to other cancer survivors, I've learned that the best thing you can do is think about what you're good at, and what you, in particular, might offer your person at this moment.
Even if you don't know anyone with cancer now, it will probably affect someone you love. The National Cancer Institute estimates that 39% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives.
Here are four specific roles that friends and family members can play for a loved one with cancer. They each meet a critical need that cancer patients often have.
Role No. 1: Doctor's appointment buddy
In the early days of my cancer diagnosis, I was meeting with lots of doctors, getting second and third opinions. I wanted someone there who could take notes and ask follow-up questions.
I asked my friend Zoe Saunders to come with me to meet my surgeon. She's an audio producer, so she has a lot of experience supporting hosts and reporters during interviews and summarizing what was said.
We prepared a list of questions ahead of time, and then during the appointment, she let me take the lead. She checked off questions as we went along, then wrote up notes from the visit in a shared document.
⭐ This role might be for you if … you're organized, detail-oriented and comfortable in medical environments.
This is also a great role for someone with a medical background. NPR listener Rich Coker, whose wife Maya was diagnosed with cancer in 2024, says that having a couple of doctor friends accompany them to early appointments was invaluable.
"They asked questions we wouldn't know to ask in our shock at the news and newness to these systems," he says.
Role No. 2: Procedure pal and patient advocate
You can also go with your loved one to their scans, surgeries, and radiation and chemotherapy appointments. These will be a bit different from a standard doctor's appointment because they're less about asking questions and taking notes and more about providing emotional and physical support, and advocating for the person as needed.
When I did chemo, I was at the hospital for seven hours. The cold cap felt like having a frozen bowling ball strapped to my head. I was in pain — and I was cold — so it was important to have someone there who was comfortable cuddling with me to warm me up, and who wasn't afraid to talk to a nurse and be a little pushy if I wasn't getting the medication I needed.
I also wanted someone who could make me laugh and who wouldn't think it was weird when I started praying the rosary. I had four infusions, and I brought one person per visit: my dad, my mom, my godmother, then my cousin.
⭐ This role might be for you if … you're the kind of person who is comfortable with physical touch, sitting in silence, praying or even bringing your best comedy routine (depending on the person's mood). You should also be willing to advocate for your loved one if needed.
Role No. 3: Companion after surgeries or infusions
I did chemo on Fridays, and the Mondays after were always the hardest for me. My friend would come by and bring me lentil soup because I was craving it — and because it was creamy. After chemo, people often develop mouth sores and lose their sense of taste, and the creamy texture can feel comforting.
She also brought me little presents, like a headscarf with pasta shapes on it, to cover up my head as I was losing my hair. As I lay on the couch, she sat on the floor and held my hand.
⭐ This role might be for you if … you have a strong stomach (you might see blood, burns or healing incisions) and if you're able to be mentally strong despite seeing your loved one at a low point.
Role No. 4: Household helper and meal planner
One of the biggest gifts you can give to someone who's going through cancer treatment is to take on some of their day-to-day mental load. Here are some ways to do that:
- Offer to bring over dinner. That saves them a trip to the grocery store and the energy of cooking. It also saves them having to think about what they're going to eat tonight.
- Instead of asking, "What can I do?", make a specific offer. Don't give your friend the extra task of assigning you a task. Say: Hey, can I come do a load of laundry for you? Walk the dog? Bring you a smoothie?
- Coordinate friends who want to help. Coker says when his wife Maya got sick, a friend created a calendar "where people could sign up to take our kids to their activities or accompany my wife to appointments and chemotherapy treatments." That took some of the planning of day-to-day life off their plate.
- Take initiative. NPR listener Indira White, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023, says a friend would come over and "just start doing the dishes or tidying something up. That was really helpful."
⭐ This role might be for you if … you're good at organizing and planning, and willing to take initiative.
A last tip
No matter what role you end up fulfilling, remember that you don't have to be the person who makes this all better for someone or who offers them the perfect pearl of wisdom.
Debra Jarvis, host of the podcast The Final Say: Conversations with People Facing Death, a hospital chaplain and a breast cancer survivor, says you might ask this simple question to your loved one when you talk to them: "Where are you with all this today?" she says.
"Then just wait. They may give you an answer. Then I would say wait a little more, and then the real answer might come out," she says.
You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good start.
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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