This is a recap of the most recent episode of HBO's House of the Dragon. It contains spoilers. That's what a recap is.
Credits! The "Die, You!" Tapestry now includes a quick shot of Larys and Aegon standing over the form of Aegon's beloved dragon.
You will perhaps notice that I did not say the corpse of Aegon's beloved dragon. That's because I'm not buying it. Sunfyre lives, people. I'm gonna make t-shirts. SUNFYRE LIVES, I say! Or SUNFYRE LYVES! I suppose. For consystency's sake.
Somewhere along the Blackwater Rush — a river that runs through central Westeros — the Team Black riverlords, led by young Oscar Tully, have set up camp.
You'll remember they've joined with the Winter Wolves from the North and are now marching to Tumbleton to end its occupation by Ormund Hightower's troops. Or at least, they would be, if Team Green, led by Criston Cole and Gwayne Hightower, hadn't burned the bridge that would allow them to cross the river.
This is how we learn that the plan espoused last week by Cole, that gloomiest of all possible Gusses, to impede the rivermen's progress with nighttime raids and such, is coming together nicely. We then get the chance to learn it even better when Cole, Hightower and their men actually carry out one of those nighttime raids on the Team Black camp.
At Harrenhal, a brace of Team Black thugs show up looking for Aemond Targaryen, the Kinslayer. They're met by Alys Rivers, who informs them that their princess is in another castle. She then goes all Criss Angel Mindfreak on them by acting like a docent on some Harrenhal midnight ghost tour and getting some bats to swarm around them — not with witchy magic, though. Just by tossing a rock.
Still, it's effective. Christian Bale's Batman used his advanced tech to do the same trick, so Alys' rock is just a medieval bat-gadget, if you think about it.
Later, Aemond awakes in the same (doubtlessly musty) weirwood bed at Harrenhal that Daemon spent so much time tripping out in, last season. Turns out he's been laid up here since getting shanked by a Strong a few episodes back. Clearly, Alys has been tending to his wound by administering her artisanal goof-juice, because he awakens from a nightmare about his brother Aegon, and promptly goes fetal in Alys' lap, recalling his sister Helaena's prediction that he's gonna die, and whimpering for his mother.
He's all about family, our Aemond. A real Dominic of House Toretto, over here.
Later, another gaggle of Team Black ruffians shows up, also looking for Aemond, and attempts to assault Alys. That was a close one: we almost made it all the way through an entire House of the Dragon episode without the the threat of sexual violence. Anyway, a still-loopy Aemond makes short work of them.
When you get caught between the moon and fe-cun-diiiit-y
Grandmaester Orwyle smuggles moon tea — the Westeros Plan B — into Alicent and Helaena's room, though one of Mysaria's minions sees him do so. Helaena refuses to drink it, even as Alicent points out that if she were to have a son by Aegon, he'd be a rival to Joffrey for the Iron Throne.
If your eye twitched at the mention of Joffrey's name, don't worry. It's not the Game of Thrones Joffrey, of course. That odious little twerp doesn't show up for almost 200 years.
No, this is Joffrey, Rhaenyra's youngest — and now only surviving — son by Laenor (read: by Harwin Strong). We've only seen him a handful of times on the show, but I suspect that's about to change. Rhaenyra's also got two sons by Daemon — Aegon the Baeby, and Viserys. As things currently stand, Joffrey is next in line for the throne, followed by widdle Aegon, then widdle Viserys. Last season Rhaenyra shipped them all off to the Vale for safety, then they made for Pentos — but when she assumed the Iron Throne, she asked that Joffrey be shipped back to King's Landing so he could be raised in the Red Keep.
Lady Sabitha Frey complains to Rhaenyra that they were promised Harrenhal in exchange for letting the Northmen army use their castle to march across the Trident into the south, and grudgingly accepts a seat on the queen's Small Council. Freys do everything grudgingly — surly resentment is carried on a dominant gene, in that family.
On the squabbling Small Council, Lady Sabitha quickly latches onto her new bestie Torrhen Manderly as he gets her up to speed in a series of gossipy whispers that annoy Daemon. He looks so much like their peevish headmaster you half expect him to whip an eraser at their heads.
Vhagar has been sighted in Wendish Town, a tiny village in the Riverlands. (They assume, of course, that she's being ridden by Aemond, but you and I know better.) Daemon waves this away, attempting to get the queen to focus on a series of attacks on members of the City Watch — the gold cloaks led by Luthor Largent.
Orwyle reports that the riverlord army is being slowed by attacks from Criston Cole et. al. Emma D'Arcy has Rhaenyra take a beat at the mention of that name, which is a nice touch, given their history. She sends Addam and Baela back to the Riverlands to search for Vhagar.
Daemon undercuts Rhaenyra (must be Tuesda[e]y) — and when she confronts him about it, Matt Smith scores the best line-read of the episode with "I have pledged to fulfill your commands, just … later."
Which is Valyrian for "Let's put a pin in that."
He tells her not to worry about all the anti-queen graffiti, dismissing it as "stripes on tavern walls" because it prominently features the colored stripes on House Strong's coat of arms — a reference to the parentage of Lucerys, Jacaerys and Joffrey. King's Landing's own Banksy is not known for subtlety.
Take this job and shove it … um, respectfully, Your Grace
Hey, remember last week, when I worried that the writers were setting Aegon upon a redemption arc, such that he'd go from being the entertainingly horrible jerk we've come to love and loathe to being a dull, seen-the-error-of his-ways doofus who could only bore us to tears? Well, I have news. From the evidence presented in this episode? An Aegon redemption arc? Not a looming issue.
Oh, they feint towards it, of course. Matthew Needham, after three seasons of playing Larys as an oily, dissembling creature in a perpetual state of sly genuflection, finally gets a chance to stand in his truth, and speak it to power. He calls out Aegon's every loathsome, contemptible character trait (this … takes a while) which Aegon, to his credit, just sort of weathers.
Later, when Aegon joins Larys back at Rook's Rest, we're led to believe that their little Come-to-Jaehaerys meeting has found a purchase in Aegon's soul, has resonated, has forced the preening little snot to do some work on himself. And just as I was having disturbing visions of Aegon going full, post-ghost Scrooge on me ("You there! Boy! Do you know the fine fat rat by the privy?" "Wot, the one's tha's big as me?" etc. etc.), some dude gets in his face, causing Aegon to stab him just a tremendous lot, while sneering about the proper way to address royalty.
Hilarious jerkface Aegon is back, baby! He never left.
And speaking of never leaving: Tyland Lannister is back, too! Somehow! The last time we saw him he was anchoring (heh) the Triarchy fleet, sinking to the bottom of Blackwater Bay in heavy plate armor, but he's just … here now! No explanation needed! I SAID 'NO EXPLANATION NEEDED!'
Mysaria visits Alicent's room — the most sumptuously appointed prison cell since Martha Stewart did hard time — and confronts her about the moon tea. Alicent pretends it's hers, and shotguns it.
Later, she convinces Helaena to join her in escaping the Red Keep via the secret door in what is now Baela's bedroom. That night, they dress up like they're doing a community-theater staging of Genet's The Maids and set out, but they don't make it three feet down the hall before they're caught by Mysaria. Mysaria learns that it's actually Helaena who's pregnant, and Alicent tries to convince her not to put all her dragon eggs in Rhaenrya's increasingly fragile basket.
Criston Cole and Gwayne Hightower's group of Green soldiers are waylaid by caltrops — nasty metal spikes hidden in the underbrush that take out more than a few of their horses. Criston is forced to send his own steed to the Westerosi equivalent of the glue factory. When they realize they will no longer be able to slow the riverlord's advance, Gwayne tries to convince Criston to quit their current plan of action and make for Tumbleton, to reinforce Ormund's troops. But Criston will not be persuaded, and finally Gwayne realizes something that's been clear to us for a while now: Cole's dark mood is actually a deathwish.
Daemon and Luthor Largent find two more members of the City Watch butchered, and we learn who's behind these attacks: Ormund Hightower.
He's still hunkered down in Tumbleton, and taking steps to hunker it even more, by building battlements out of timber clear-cut from the surrounding woods. Mass deforestation: It worked for Saruman the White! (It did not work for Saruman the White.)
If Ormund wants to be the racecar, let him be the racecar
We get a scene between Ormund and Daeron which neatly establishes the extent to which Daeron has learned to walk on eggshells around Ormund, whose skin is so thin it's practically transparent. We learn that Ormund admires the Yellow Toad, a leader of Dorne whose cleverness triumphed over her enemy's superior firepower. And we learn that if you win a game of Westerosi Monopoly against Ormund, he'll flip the table on you.
In his post-tantrum afterglow, Ormund shows Daeron that he's put the kid's face on a coin, and is touting him as the rightful heir to the Iron Throne.
Hands up if you predicted that Ormund would turn out to be crypto bro. Thankfully, we cut away from this scene before he can start up about blockchain.
Rhaenyra tries out prayer, which Daemon sneers at. But he joins her, and learns that she's become convinced that it's all connected — Aemond's disappearance, the Black army's delays, the attacks on the City Watch, everything.
The thing is: She's right, of course. But to those around her, it's starting to come off like paranoia.
Daemon delivers a rousing speech to the City Watch, who need to hear it, because having a few of your best barracks-mates disemboweled tends to chip away at the ol' morale. Later, Daemon and Luthor Largent torture a prisoner and learn that the Greens have declared Daeron king, and have even got Westeros' Franklin Mint to issue a special commemorative coin.
Helaena and Alicent discover a secret door in their own bedroom (yay!) but when they follow the revealed passage it leads to a dead end (boo!), and now they're trapped in the walls of Red Keep (boo! Very boo!).
When Daemon returns to the Gold Cloaks, he finds them all slaughtered and posed along one side of a feast table, like if Heironymous Bosch had painted The Last Supper.
Parting thoughts
- Both Aegon and Aemond get chewy scenes in this episode to reveal how envious they are of one another. Aegon's whingeing earns him a takedown from Larys, but Aemond finds a sympathetic ear in Alys Rivers. And from the look they exchange afterward, it seems Alys might soon be letting him find some of her other sympathetic body parts as well.
- Sure, Harrenhal is overrun with bats, goats, ghosts, rats and assorted other vermin. But you gotta figure that drywall's teeming with black mold. The damp! The damp!
- Lady Frey mentions that Rhaenyra has put a bounty on Aemond's head, with the prize being Harrenhal. We know Alys wants Harrenhal. And we know Alys has Aemond.
- Two funniest facial expressions of the episode: Alicent, when she realizes that Mysaria has come to see her ("Oh, hell no."), and Larys, when he sees Aegon gettin' stabby with it ("Perfect! Great timing! Just what I needed!").
- The addition of Tyland Lannister to the comedy duo of Larys and Aegon bodes very well. Aegon is clearly Moe, Larys is Larry, and while I'm sure Tyland wishes he were Curly, the guy's whole vibe is pure Shemp and always has been.
- Criston Cole is convinced that he will die in glorious battle, and that songs will be sung about it. I'm less convinced. Watch this space.
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